So I don't know how I am feeling right now about the news I received from my dad two days ago. He pulled me aside as I was walking by and I kept walking and looked back at him to see a very serious look in his eye which you really don't see very often. He paused for a moment after a turned back around to him and then in a soft voice said we have found breast cancer again in mom. I held it together right then because I could see the despair that was on my dads face. I asked him if he was okay and he said yeah. I asked him again because I know when he is lying and he again said he was fine. I told him that I could tell he wasn't and wrapped my arms around him and held him for a few moments. When I pulled away his eyes were filled with tears and he said, Lindsey I have already broke down once in front of your mom, I need to be strong right now. We are going to fight it and we are going to beat it again just like last time.
I have feelings of anger, frustration, worry, and I am just scared. No it isn't directed towards God, nor anyone. I just have seen my mom go through this before and she was a fighter back then and was able to beat it. I don't understand why she has to go through it again and I am really worried because I don't think she is a fighter like she used to be. I am not sure how much she really wants to fight it. She doesn't know that I know this but, the other day everyone was out of the house and she had taken a bath and before she changed into her new clothes, she looked at herself in the mirror and thought, I am okay with dying at this point in my life. The problem with that is that I am not okay with her dying at this point. I really believe we will constantly be placed in front of trials that seem like giants. I also believe that at any moment you could fail because of your attitude.
This time around she has had inflammation, redness, burning (heat actually coming from the location), etc. When they find cancer like this is usually tends to be in a stage 3 or 4. When they were doing some testing they also poked at it a few times which, if you rupture a cyst that has cancer it can cause it to spread more quickly.
I have rambled on long enought about this, I hope my mom can find the fighter that I know is in her. I hope that all of you will remember my mom and my dad in your prayers. I know that they will be in mine.